Monday, November 21, 2011

Take Two

Starting the blog post is sometimes the hardest.  I wait so long between postings that I have way too much to say and don't know where to start.  But I'll just jump right in.

Sophie is scheduled to have another surgery.  Another two-stage brain surgery.  In the first stage, they will place the grids to monitor the seizure activity.  Then, two days later, they will perform the actual surgery...Multiple Subpial Transection (MST).

I can talk about it so matter-of-factly at times.  With no emotions.  But the closer we get to the date, the more real it feels.  I am starting to feel the weight of it all.  I think what scares me the most is how Sophie is going to react to everything.  This time around, she is much more aware.  But I talked with another mom, Emma, whose son, Alex, had a second surgery when he was 7 years old.  She was able to put my mind at ease a bit after hearing how well (relatively speaking) he did the second time around.

But, it is brain surgery.  And when I sit down and think about it...really think about is difficult.  More difficult this time around than the first.  I am already starting to feel the panic.  We are leaving in exactly two weeks from today.  Just typing that...seeing it in writing...brings tears to my eyes.  The packing, organizing and what not of getting ready to go out of town is NOT what is putting me in panic mode.  It's the fact that I want to soak up every last second of time I have with Sophie before I have to kiss her sweet little forehead goodbye, once again, before I walk out of the operating room.  That moment...when you have to pull yourself the hardest.