Then there is the guilt factor. Guilt that I am not working hard enough. Guilt that I am not grateful enough. Guilt that I am sad. How can I be sad when Sophie is considered one of the "lucky" ones?!?! How can I be sad when I am fortunate to get such incredible care for Sophie?!?! Guilt that I am even talking about myself. Guilt that I am even writing this post.
I am grateful. I do realize the "what ifs". That is why I feel guilty for feeling the way I feel.
The only good thing about this post is that Sophie is still sleeping. She made it past the midnight hour. That is when she usually wakes up (somewhere between 12am and 1am). So maybe I can sleep with some peace now...maybe I can stop holding my breath.